Version 2 Crits	Version 2 Crits Meridian Brava! I'm liking the edit on the smut parts, that you didn't totally lose Katie's style of sex (she can be a sexual predator posing as house pet so long as you, as you've done, modify her approach to a sexually skittish TAA). The vocality of the memory isn't lost, it's enhanced; people don't really remember the noises they make in memory, just that they made them, and chances are good that, as this is as much a fantasy as memory, TAA is going to embellish it and add. Chances are even better that he's going to *picture* the embellishment over the sounds--guys tend to be visually stimulated over aurally, I believe. I do like the rewrite, though I think you're still losing me over the leg spasm part...is it just pain of soul manifest as pain in body? Like I said before, I just get the impression from his collapse that he's strained something, which is kinda just a bummer come-down after getting off instead of something soul-searching or wrenching (though I do like that he wonders about love at the end, that helps). Maybe it's just a feeling of being empty, attached to him ejaculating, emptied of his pain/love for Katie? Just a thought. Instead, he needed to take back his control. He needed to take back control of his own life. After all of these years, he was finally going to control it and find out the fucking truth. This is a *very good* addition--it brings a pre-movie scene back to The Matrix, where Neo tells Morpheus he wants to be in control, sure, BUT it also explains why he flips out so badly when he sits through the 'desert of the real' speech. He's so sure that he's been in control since giving up on moping/mourning for Katie, that by taking the red pill he'll finally know and be empowered. He has *NO* idea... No, I don't need. I want to know. It didn't matter how it looked, how it smelled, or how it tasted. This almost made me laugh, considering what he's actually eating (NEO'S MEATBALLS ARE PEOPLE!!! lol, Soylent Green moment there, sorry). But I did like the differentiation between wanting/needing. Need is a weakness, but want implies that you're okay you just would like more. He's telling himself "I'm okay," which is sweet and in keeping with his resolution to regain control. And, of course, we know better. We know that he's desperate, that he *does* need, and that he is no more in control now than he will be taking the red pill down the road. Great subtlety, great dramatic irony, dude. Kudos for being able to use the crits so effectively and to reunite your vision of TAA with the movie guy--it's not easy to do without just copying verbatim, so good job! ~Merd Jayman merd ~ thanx! you have such an inspiring way with your crits, perhaps giving me too much credit *smile* in most of the smut fics i've read, the climax gives the sense of completeness to the scene. but here, i wanted to break or taint that wholeness, and give thomas an aura of incompleteness. i felt that the leg cramp was the best way to achieve that: interrupting his climax with a just-as-intense pain. looking back, i like the mirroring of his pain both physical and emotional/spiritual. it also hints to the reality that he's never really used his muscles. and his fall in the watery tub, into a fetal ball, further hints to the reality that he's in a liquid-filled power pod/tub. your idea of thomas "feeling... empty, attached to him ejaculating, emptied of his pain/love" is another great interpretation. it all seems to be interrelated, which is great. *laughs* and you're right about the meatballs! forgot about that. keep in mind, many of the newer elements sprung, or were sparked, from your original crit. so you deserve a heartfelt thanx: thanx.