Version 1 Crits	Version 1 Crits midnight Hey there, Jayman. Well, this is...interesting. I can tell that you're an awesome writer. From what I see, it's like you're freeing your mind (pardon the pun) to write freely whatever you want. That is a good skill to have, and many writers can't develop that. I'm sure that you've done a freewrite before...you know, where you sit down for ten minutes and write whatever pops into your head. Freewrites are fun. The way that this fic is written reminds me of a freewrite. Freewrite fics can be good. I love writing that you can tell came from the writer's heart. The thing though, is you have to balance that "freewrite" with a little censorship. I mean, when you freewrite, there's going to be beautiful stuff. But there's also going to be cliches, and crap, and things that don't make sense. I think this fic could work a lot better if you go through and recognize what doesn't need to be there. Heminway once said that a good writer can recognize his own BS factor. This is a nice idea for a fic. I'm very interested in Tom Anderson pre-Matrix. But in some places it goes just a little too far. The moaning, for instance. I saw this in Really Good Head, as well. IMHO, excessive moaning takes the magic out of smut. Moaning is fine, if you can write it well. But this is a little too much. In and out. "Fuck me," she breathed. Fucking. Like hacking. Criminal hacking. In and out. Like penetrating a network firewall. Her fiery walls. Illegal. In and out. "Fuck me," she begged. Fucking. Fucking her little firewall. Fucking her forbidden fiery walls. In and out. He could hear her adorably innocent yet naughty voice. "Oh, fuck your little girl," she pleaded. There's a good freewrite type style, but I do think it is on the border of too much. I like the idea of playing the whole hacker thing into it, but this goes a littleover the top, and sort of ruins that parallel to me. Also, the dirty talk: I got the impression that Tom was really in love with her. I think dirty talk can only go so far before it is disrespectful. And I don't think that he would disrespect her like that. I love little details in this fic like the meatballs and the headband. You've got that down pat. Just work on, as hemingway would say, recognizing your own BS factor. Best wishes, midnight Alhazred Abandoned. Where did you go? Abandoned but not broken. I need to know. Poking the dull prongs of his metal fork into the once-frozen meatball, Tom chewed mechanically, distantly, joylessly, as if it didn't matter. I need to know the truth. What I like across all of these is the handle you've got on continuity, your own and the canon. It's not the easiest thing to do across multiple peices, especially short ones. "Ahhh... Ahhh..." she gasped. In and out. He could hear her delightful sighs. In and out. Her delicious moans. In and out. "Fuck your little girl," she whimpered. Oh God, Katie. While his leg muscles tensed and trembled, his hand gripped tighter and stroked faster. Back and forth. Mindful of the neighbors, he held his breath. Back and forth. Stroking faster. Back and forth. Her heavenly curves and mounds. In and out. Her heart-melting gasps and groans. In and out. Oh God, Katie. Oh God. Tensing and trembling, he was gonna come. Back and forth. So close. Back and forth. So soon. Back and forth. He was gonna come. In and out. Come inside her. In and out. Yeah. In and out. Yeah. In and out. And finally-- Ahhh, Katie! Ahhh! He exploded! Holding his breath, he exploded! Eyes shut, he exploded onto the tiles! Mouth open, he exploded inside her! And suddenly-- On the other hand, I think my biggest problem could be summed up as 'way too much information.' There are details floating around that just don't need to be there, smut or not. I'm not talking about moans-as-dialog; some seem to like that, some don't, I'm indifferent. But does it really take four sentences to describe Mr. Anderson busting his nut? There are times for long-winded narrative and there are times for three-words-now-move-on. The wrong parts of this are long-winded, I think. Jayman midnight ~ thanx for the crit! yeah, you're right, the BS factor was something to consider... but it's a little different in this case, since he's fantasizing. without her, his fantasies are all he has left of her. now he's also beginning his path as a hacker, which is illegal in itself, a disrespect for the law... while katie has been a hacker for ages. so beyond the proper, i pushed the border, the envelope a little further, a little more offensive, more obscene, particularly as he fantasizes about her. darker minds would seem to have darker fantasies. thanx again, i'll definitely reexamine that BS border with your crit... maybe it's a guy thing, LOL! Juliet yeah, you're right, the BS factor was something to consider... but it's a little different in this case, since he's fantasizing. without her, his fantasies are all he has left of her. now he's also beginning his path as a hacker, which is illegal in itself, a disrespect for the law... while katie has been a hacker for ages. so beyond the proper, i pushed the border, the envelope a little further, a little more offensive, more obscene, particularly as he fantasizes about her. darker minds would seem to have darker fantasies. thanx again, i'll definitely reexamine that BS border with your crit... maybe it's a guy thing, LOL! I can certainly identify with your desire to push the limits and boundaries of fandom, Jayman. It's an amusing passtime of mine, and one to which I devote entirely too much time. However, I'm not sure that you're going about it the right way. This entire fic reads as... well, a bit like a self-insertion. I'm not entirely sure if Thomas Anderson is in-character. And I realize that you've created an almost entirely separate universe for your characters to live in, and that's an ambitious undertaking. But although it's somewhat AU, your characters should still remain more or less in character. The circumstances that Thomas Anderson has been made to endure, in my opinion, are not enough to change who he is. The Thomas Anderson we all know and love, in my opinion, would not be turned on by someone telling him to "Fuck your little girl." I realize that fantasies are often darker than anything we would ever verbalize aloud. Sick things live in everyone's minds, and I am certainly no exception. But rather than putting it in a context where it would be a necessary plot device, I'm sorry to say that the context seems more to me like a wank fic. I apologize if my interpretations on anything you've written come across as offensive or rude, but they are, respectfully, my interpretations. I'm curious to learn the ideas behind this fic, because it's got a lot of potential. I really don't mean to rag, but I'm making this review because, in my experience, constructive criticism is infinitely more helpful than "u r a gr8 riter, plz rite more!1111!!!11!1!!onoeneone!" TrinityTinuviel He could feel the short polished nail and the rest of her middle finger search and slip into his open mouth. "Suck it," she moaned. "Suck my little dick." Just to clarify a bit, most girls do not wish to have a penis. I have yet to meet one who does. We are perfectly satisfied with what we have, thankyouverymuch. Also, I'd have to say that the image of Thomas Anderson you portrayed seems to me to be very ooc, compared to the antisocial, quiet thing we are presented with in the Matrix. He's surprised when Trinity approaches him so directly, like he hasnt had female contact in ages. Jayman juliet & tt ~ it's really okay, this fic isn't and wasn't meant for everyone. but i do appreciate the feedback! i hope this post [in the onanism forum] gives a better explanation of my intent. Alina I've got a bit of a conflicting opinion here. I thought the beginning was a great start. You tie it in well to your other Thomas fic by introducing the relevant passages involving Katie and Thomas. Your candid depiction of his daily life after she left and his conflicting feelings about it is strong. Other people have already said a lot of this in other threads about your stuff, so I won't continue. But, like a lot of other people, two things REALLY bother me about this piece: 1) The dialogue once you hit the smut is.... I’m sorry, it's porn dialogue. To me, it struck me as really inserts that could easily have been condensed (and left to people's imagination) by various phrases such as "moans" or whatnot. Smut doesn't need dialogue, no more than sex needs coherent conversation. 2) ESPECIALLY "Suck it," she moaned. "Suck my little dick." Surrendering to her wishes, he drew her finger deeper between his waiting lips and sucked. Enjoying her irregular gasps, he curled his hot tongue around her tiny rounded tip, and trailed it along her full quivering length. She murmured, "Oh yeah, suck it." GOD. This line massacred the fic so badly that I didn't even read the rest properly! I could've sworn I heard that "bow-chicka-bowbow" porn music playing somewhere...Is this really what turns on men? Women begging to get blow job for their pretend phallic symbols? I know that the Matrix is big on the female-phallus thing (to recap what MTS said once: just take one look at a Squiddie and you'll see it's a cross between a Medusa and a phallic image), but....uuuuaagh. That was really gross, man. Fuck, if that's what really goes through men's minds, I think I've just sworn off smut and sex in general. So ya: If this fic has any major issues, that’s definitely at the top of the list in my opinion. mts And contraversial hardcore hits our fandom again. Of course, this doesn't hold a candle to the infamous Trinity/Switch scare back in the day (I can still smell the "cum drizzled on the floor" from that delightful bit; but yes. Well. Thomas Anderson masturbates in his shower to a young OC named Katie who has quite the fetish for goofy hats and likes it rough & dirty. Inflamatory pornographic langauge aside, I have three issues. 1) What is the point of writing the fantasy sequence? In the scheme of the Matrix timeline, how does this little interlude play its part in developing the backhistory of the future savior of the human race? He's a flawed boy with a fantasy of a very naughty ex-girlfriend. And that gets us ... where? That helps us see...what...in T.A.A's character? Which leads me to... 2) Thomas A. Anderson is out of character unless you create the arch that a guy with really pornographic fantasies in the shower turns into a quiet, loving partner to Trinity. If you watch the canon smut, he's very quiet, he's very compliant, he's very gentle. I can believe that any man is influenced by porn in his own personal sex life, but I'd prefer to see how deals with that factor epsecially when sleeping with such a lass as Trinity. 3) What's a girl like Katie doing in the matrix fandom? and with Thomas A. Anderson? "Suck my little dick" <---now that's a line that actually knocked me off my seat, landed me on the floor and i giggled for a long time. Too Freudian for words. I believe that women do not have penis envy, so yeah. Didn't buy it. Katie's an UNUSUAL specimen of the fairer sex. And could fit right into any porn at the local Megaplexx. All crit aside, I liked the beginning when he comes home to his apartment, etc. That's well drawn. And I can buy it that a guy is masturbating in a shower, that's what a shower is for, dudes. But that it's Thomas Anderson and it's that explicit of a fantasy..... ....that's when it crosses the line to serious OOC-dom and all us girls raising our collective eyebrows at ya. And speaking from experience, I say this as a woman NOT afraid of her sexuality, her own naughty bits or any gentlemen's naughty bits. And jest cuz i don't got one, doesn't mean I don't understand it. It's part of my academic line of work to understand that piece of machinery. And yes, this fic isn't meant for everyone. But is it even meant for a Matrix fanfiction archive populated mostly by women? Again--I state that I like your style, I like your masculine voice. Cut the porn. Jayman mts ~ thanx for both the crits and support. to answer your main point about katie, she is one of the central characters in "really good noodles" upon which this fic is based. i don't know if you've read it. but it explains many of his choices as a teenager, as a 20-something, as a 30-something, and especially his path to pursue hacking. as for being meant for a "matrix archive mostly by women" this fic does challenge notions and pose questions. (i talk more about it here [in the onanism forum].) should any fic be excluded because it challenges the notions of the "establishment"? then again, as one of the goddesses, that is your prerogative. unfortunately, there aren't that many other good matrix boards out there. Bisse I'm sorry Jayman, but I finished the story feeling as though I just visited the Matrix equivelent of a porn site. Actually, not even a Matrix site because I really couldn't even picture the characters being in this situation. I know that being insightful and finding new ways to explore Thomas Anderson's character is exciting- but this, I feel, has gone way too far. I mean, this Katie character is obscene "In and out. He could hear her adorably innocent yet naughty voice. "Oh, fuck your little girl," she pleaded." I'm sure as hell not a prude, but I felt that this crossed WAY over the line of what's acceptable. I mean, Thomas and Neo do share some character traits- so whats with this nasty sex? Does it add to our knowledge of Thomas or just make us disgusted? I'm going to stop blathering now because I can't possibly say anything constructive except for this- "Ahhh, Katie! Ahhh! He exploded! Holding his breath, he exploded! Eyes shut, he exploded onto the tiles! Mouth open, he exploded inside her! And suddenly-- Oh no! Please! No! He froze in terror! He felt his overtensed calf begin to spasm! Aaah! Nooo! Nooo! Violent contractions! With a splash, he collapsed breathlessly onto the drain! Spasms! Clenching his teeth! Clamping with both hands! Spasms! Clutching his right calf with all of his strength!" That's a lot of exclamation marks. Jayman bisse ~ sorry you didn't like it. my intent here is to explore how far tom is willing to go to try and forget his emptiness and loss and pain. his desperation is symbolized in his exaggerated fantasy of katie (a character in really good noodles, central to his initiation into the hacking underworld). but in the end, his pain, both emotional and physical, overwhelms him. as for the exclamation points, you might be right. i'll consider that. but from memory, i hope i never have to experience leg cramps like that again, an intense pain that seems like it would never never never end. argh!!! btw ~ i'll be writing a strong-R version of this fic, as a more palatable style for many who found this style offensive. it'll be a while, so i hope you can hang on. in fact, i've written a strong-R version of the other controversial piece "the very thing" called "the very thing 2.0" Quinn my intent here is to explore how far tom is willing to go to try and forget his emptiness and loss and pain. his desperation is symbolized in his exaggerated fantasy of katie (a character in really good noodles, central to his initiation into the hacking underworld). That explanation might be a fault in itself. Thomas Anderson just doesn't strike me as the type of person who would put effort - small or large - into trying to "forget his emptiness and loss and pain." From the Wachowski Bros' portrayal of this character in the Matrix, he looked as if he wasn't even aware of his solitude; he was either that much of focused individual that his main priority consisted of finding Morpheus and he didn't have time for re-evaluating his lack of a social life, OR he was simply an apathetic hermit who couldn't be bothered to get laid nor did he care if his loss ate him up from the inside. The point is our Tommy wasn't desperate. As Meridian said, that fact was proven twice, first by his dismissal of DuJour, second when he shrank away from Trinity's advances. The desperation you insist on using as a motive for this fanfic's, erm - theme - is non-existent. Hence, that leaves you with...? Just a thought. Jayman From the Wachowski Bros' portrayal of this character in the Matrix, he looked as if he wasn't even aware of his solitude; he was either that much of focused individual that his main priority consisted of finding Morpheus and he didn't have time for re-evaluating his lack of a social life, OR he was simply an apathetic hermit who couldn't be bothered to get laid nor did he care if his loss ate him up from the inside... The point is our Tommy wasn't desperate. As Meridian said, that fact was proven twice, first by his dismissal of DuJour, second when he shrank away from Trinity's advances. quinn ~ i appreciate the crit. you're right, from the Bros' portrayal of the 1999 character, thomas is definitely withdrawn; an apathy that keeps him on his search for morpheus. but how did he become that way? in 1994, he lost a love, a flawed love, but love nonetheless, the same love that led him to the flawed path of hacking. i should work on this era a little more ("really good noodles" barely touches upon that), to better demonstrate how his desperation transformed over the five years, turning more into his obsession of his search for answers (her disappearance, trinity's disappearance, morpheus, etc.). i hope i can find more time. but what surprised me, is that you didn't comment on the style that many have understandably found offensive. i guess i should be glad for that. ;) Jonna Bisse isn't the only one who didn't like this fic. I, for one, really disliked it. The repetition, the dialogue, and... dare I say that it's pornish? I feel like if I see this fic turned into a porno, I'd rather flush it down the toilet and never hear from it again. Oh, yes. The whole "Ahhh!"'s and "Uuhh!"'s really crack me up. Not so sure if it's a good thing or not, but I'd go with the latter. =/ I don't know what advices I give to you but I could say this: Try to lessen the pornish, over-the-top feel and making Thomas a lot less OOC than what you made him. Oh, and one more thing: I was laughing my ass off when Katie said "Suck my little dick!" Hilarious! Ok... Your style is good, though. *shrugs* Jayman jonna ~ *smiles* thanx for the crit. at least, you're one of the few who has disliked it with a smile! yeah, i'm currently working on a less-porno version 2.0, like the "the very thing 2.0" i posted recently. it occurred to me that if i can tone down both NC-17s well enough, both may fit smoothly in the larger "really good noodles" (rated R) story. i think you've read the original "the very thing" so if version 2.0 is in the right direction, i'd like some input on that. other than that, thanx again! MammaMia Well Jayman, what can I say that hasn't been said before? I am looking forward to the less pornographic version of this fic, since I think you do have some pretty good ideas in there. However, when I read it I get that "porn music" in my head and I just can't get it out. For the record, my husband liked it. He said for a guy to be like Thomas Anderson in the Matrix, he had to have gotten burned the few times that he actually reached out. That idea of him getting burned before would also explain why he clung to Trinity as he did. He knew how rare and precious her love was. He also liked the sex, and didn't have a problem with the "sex noises" being written out. (Ladies, should I be worried?) So, you have the male and female point of view. Quinn in 1994, he lost a love, a flawed love, but love nonetheless, the same love that led him to the flawed path of hacking. i should work on this era a little more ("really good noodles" barely touches upon that), to better demonstrate how his desperation transformed over the five years, turning more into his obsession of his search for answers (her disappearance, trinity's disappearance, morpheus, etc.). Five years may be a long time, but the transition from desperation into pure apathy's a big one, not to mention you end this fanfic with a 32 year old Thomas Anderson. Katie may have been the one to introduce him to the techno underworld, but nothing about Thomas Anderson's fantasies in the shower serves as foreplay to his hacking; that scene is completely irrelevant and seperate to the next bit about wanting to learn the reason behind Katie's disappearance. I can't make the connection. Honestly, there is no connection. Or I just can't see it. but what surprised me, is that you didn't comment on the style that many have understandably found offensive. i guess i should be glad for that. Whether or not I found your style offensive was besides the point I was trying to make. For the record, though, it didn't appeal to me. Quite the contrary. Jayman mamma mia ~ thanx for the double crit! i'm glad. yes, getting burned is part of what i'm trying to portray. and tell your husband, thanx. as i've mentioned on another thread, amidst the hailstorm, it's nice to see a smiling face or two out there. quinn ~ yes, as i take another look, i admit that the connection is not very clear in this short fic. and you're right, the transition will be difficult to portray, but not in this fic. this mini-fic was something i needed to explore further, but away from the "really good noodles" arc. as i write the less-porno version 2.0, i hope to revisit that 5-year span. ultimately, i might reintegrate this version 2.0 into the larger 20-year arc. and then i can better portray that connection and transition from 1994 to 1999. thanx to both ~ you're giving me good stuff to think about! ~~~EDIT~~~ ok, i finally posted the reworked the "why you live alone 2.0" less-porn version. i actually like it.