xjaymanx

Whoa.

This is...amazing. So sensual. Really insightful about the characters, too - I love how you brought in that quote in the car from M1, which is SUCH the philosophical core of that film - and then linked it to Neo and Trinity's relationship and what that MEANS.

I also really enjoyed the specifics you gave us about Neo's former life - the names of people involved. That kind of detail just makes it REAL.

The sex scene itself was just... mesmerizing. I love the way you used short, terse, but super-descriptive sentences, and the way you zoomed in and out on what was happening. Your style is just... awesome. It's perfect, really. It rises and falls, just like Trinity's motions.

This especially just made me kind of lose my breath:

Suddenly, the warming light of the rising sun splashed upon his rising cock. Her warm mouth. So warm. So hot. Warming him. Enveloping him. Molding him.

Gorgeous description - you describe his FEELINGS so well, sensation and yet also emotion! - and so FUCKING sexy. God, dude.

So... yeah. This was amazing. My only minor crit - and this could just be me - is that I'm not a huge fan of seeing the sex-noises put in quotes. Like "Ahh!" And this could very well just be me... I dunno. It just seems like it kind of detracts from the piece, somehow. I'd rather have those gasps/cries described, or to take the form of stuttering words, instead - like you do often throughout the piece. For some reason, I don't mind when he's thinking "Ahhh," but yeah. Hmm. Maybe I really am just strange. ;)

Anyway. Wow. I'm totally blown away. Pun intended. :D

*bows* whoa... praise from the "smut goddess" herself... love the pun! LOL

yeah, neo's former life. to make it more real for myself, i really wanted to explore how he followed the path to become a solitary hacker... noting the best parallels, i drew on my own similar experiences, a similar car, similar music, similar insecurities... hence "really good noodles"...

no-no, you're not strange. yeah, i did think about the "thinking ahhh's" versus the "spoken ahhh's". i think i know what you mean... the word flow... but i chose to make it more symbolic yet more physical, triggered by her engulfing mouth, awakening from his submerged dream/thoughts, and emerging into the full daylight of spoken consciousness.

of course it could be more of a male-female thing. i prefer to hear the full act as well as seeing/feeling it... for me, "they came" doesn't satisfy me (another pun intended)... so you're not strange.

thanx again *bows*

Woah.

That's all I gotta say. Kidding!

I really love this T+N blow-job- I mean, smut fic! Y'know, every time I read the "Ahhh!"'s and "Ohhh!"'s, I crack up.

Keep up the great work, Jayman!

Whoooooooooooooo.

DS told me to read this and am I ever glad she did.

Jayman: this is really good, dude. Actually, this is a fic that I've been wanting to see for a really long time and have considered trying to write myself, in that Neo gives Trinity a hell of a lot of head in the fanfiction world but I believe Trinity only gives Neo head. . . hmm, twice? And one of those was in a fic of mine in which it was so understated that it doesn't really count. But anyway, my former feminist philosophy prof is bashing me upside the head with a frying pan for saying this, but it took a guy writing it to pull this off. And, I mean, wow. This is so good, so well-done. It's so tender, so loving, but at the same time so sensual in just the right way. I admit that the beginning and end were a little bit lost on me, but that's really just because I have some background reading to do -- which I was intending to do anyway, but haven't yet done because the "Really Good Noodles" fic was pretty long-ish, as I remember. Maybe tonight. ;)

I love the structure of this. I'm actually going to disagree with DS and say that I really like the way you've broken it up with the "Ahh"s -- the story comes in beats and I really like that rhythm. You do a good job capturing Neo's gradual movement towards incoherence, how his thoughts keep on being tripped-up.

I have three pieces of constructive-crit type stuff for you, do with it what you will.

The first is: be careful not to go too overboard with repetition. There were several times when you repeat the same phrase/image three times in a row, and while I do like the three/Trinity metaphy, too much repetition kind of trips up your flow. Because of the way you've broken it up into short segments made up of short sentences, this piece is all about rhythm, which makes the repetition stand out all the more. The instances I'm thinking of are things like this:

slowly unfastened. Silently unfastened. Quietly unfastened from his waist.

He was coming. He was coming. Coming. Coming. Until he could come no more. No more.

Both of those times, it was a little bit overkill on the repetition. I'm not saying to remove all repetition from this fic at all -- just that you might want to tone it down just a little.

The other thing was:

Like a biblical lump of clay.

Eeeeh. . . wasn't so fond of that image. Biblical? Are we supposed to be worshipping Neo's cock? I don't mind the use of spiritual imagery in writing love scenes -- often, it's really potent and effective. It's just the particular word 'biblical' used like this that makes me go, "what? Are we supposed to use it to pray?" Something a little bit less clinical might be better there, like. . . hmm, the word 'sacred' comes to mind.

Thirdly and lastly: the title. Funny pun, but. . . doesn't suit the fic. ;)

Anyway, as I said, those are just some thoughts, take 'em or leave 'em. On the whole, I love this fic. I really do. For what it's worth, I'm going to have MTS read it and I foresee that she will absolutely go to pieces over it because she's been saying for EONS that, dammit, SOMEBODY needs to write a Neo-pleasure-focus and/or Trinity-gives-Neo-really-good-head smutfic. It is, indeed, about damn time! Seriously, this is awesome.

I get this message from Centaur, "your prayers have been answered," and this link.

*falls off chair laughing*

Yes. Jayman and Centaur, I really agree that it had to be a guy to write the first shockingly visceral, sensual, romantic, emotive Trinity-Gives-Neo-Head-So-Hard-His-Hair-Turns-White. I've been wanting to write that for such a long time and this definitely spurs me on to actually sitting down to do it, from a woman's perspective.

And that's definitely what I loved about this fic. It was Trinity going down on Neo from Neo's and a male author's perspective. And where it could have been done tackily and repulsed us all, it was actually carried off in a deliciously sensual way. (pun somewhat intended.)

My only qualm from a feminist-who-has-issues-with-the-act is that Neo put his hand on her head and guided her rhythm. And yes, yes yes, you did very much pad that image with how they were in perfect rhythm together and he's caressing her hair, etc; but I do sense the raging evil image of "i'm fucking her in the mouth"...and that's a bit disturbing.

Surprise oral sex from Trinity would, I think, be a serious power play issue, and I like how Centaur has done it in the past with Trinity tying him up so he has no control. Part of, I think, the sexiest part of getting head from Trinity would be that she would be in total control, totally dominating while in a very typically degrading position.

Ugh. That's the problem with oral sex. How do you deal with the fact that, due to pornography, it's one of the most degrading acts ever, and yet it can be one of the most empowering.

But I digress.

Jayman, darling, thank you for writing this lovely bit of smut. My only criticism is that this story deserves a better title.

I'm so pleased we have a male smut writer with taste, tact and a good style. :)

Bring on the smut! Neo/Trinity need more action, ladies and gents!

Wow. Very impressive. May I just say that this is the second ever blow job that Neo has ever received in the history of the fandom? Usually Trinity gets all the fun. DS dared me to write the other one, but I must say that you did a much better job writing it than I did. That was so hard to write. How the hell does a girl describe that?

Anyway, awesome fic. Although I do agree with Danascully:

So... yeah. This was amazing. My only minor crit - and this could just be me - is that I'm not a huge fan of seeing the sex-noises put in quotes. Like "Ahh!" And this could very well just be me... I dunno. It just seems like it kind of detracts from the piece, somehow. I'd rather have those gasps/cries described, or to take the form of stuttering words, instead - like you do often throughout the piece. For some reason, I don't mind when he's thinking "Ahhh," but yeah. Hmm. Maybe I really am just strange.

The aahhhs and oooohhhs and Oh Gods! were a little repetitive and they were just a little too much. But the problem is, I really like how the paragraphs are kind of separated by them. Perhaps you could think of another way to interject? Ahhh is fine like once, maybe twice, but over and over is so...porn film.

But other than that, this so rocks. You've got balls, dude.

no pun intended?

EDIT: Oh, I also wanted to say that i swear that you stole my playlist! You like PJ AND NIN?

Whoa. As weird as this sounds (actually not really), I have never read male-written smut. But jayman, you sure as hell did it well!! To read the second blow job of Neo in fanfic history and for it to be so well-written is great. You made it so sensual, so intense, so necessary. It goes back to what others (I think it was all the goddesses that said this! ;) ) have said about the whole empowerment issue with giving oral sex. But Trinity really did have all the control. Neo just let her give him head because he knew that was what he wanted, what he needed. And to see his view on everything was great as well.

MINOR CRIT: I liked the "ahhs" and "ohhs", but I think it might have been a bit better if it was a little less of this.

Damn, dude, I just can't stop saying how well-written, good, tasteful this fic is!

mts wrote: I like how Centaur has done it in the past with Trinity tying him up so he has no control.

Um, MTS? I never wrote that. . . I believe you're thinking of an old, unfinished, unpublished fic by Rae. (In fact, I know you are. I know exactly the one you're referring to. ;) ) I've never written a tying-up fic. Trinity went down on Neo in my fic "Body," but there was no tying-up involved. . . and, as I said earlier, it was so understated it doesn't really count. So Midnight -- I do protest ;). This is the third blowjob Trinity's given Neo in all of Matrix fic, though "Zee-Wormed" and Jayman's lovely new piece are the only ones that really do it justice.

Anyway. I propose: forget pornography. The entire porn industry is so fucking ridiculous, and if there's anything that I hate about it more than anything else, it's the fact that it really does affect our social views about sex in spite of its generally inane portrayal of the act. I think what I liked MOST about this fic was the fact that it does an incredible job of portraying this as something that Trinity does for Neo out of love for him, and treats it as a really tender thing on both sides. I mean, I think the reasons that so many women are rather sketched-out by the idea of performing oral sex are that:

(a) there's a genuine social issue that many women, especially at the high-school/university level, feel like it's a responsibility or something they're supposed to do, even if they don't want to. That IS a genuine problem and isn't relevant in this context but that can't not be acknowledged.

(b) The equation of performing oral sex with the really degrading "suck my cock, bitch!" mentality.

And the thing with (b) is that if you talk to pretty much any good, decent guy, they'll insist fiercely that, no, it's not like that at all. I mean, obviously, I can't crawl inside the head of a guy to find out what he's thinking when a girl he cares about goes down on him, but what I like about this fic so much is the fact that it jives so well with what real, good guys have told me. It's not something that Neo does for himself through Trinity, it's something that she does for him because she loves him and she wants to, and he loves and respects and is thankful to her for that. So again, Jayman, props to you for that.

Hmm, I'd be really interesting in discussing the whole oral-sex-stigma further but I don't want it to take over the thread for Jayman's story. I think I'll go start something up in the GD. :D

wow, this is a lot to respond to...

jonna ~ LOL, thanx... wasn't meant to be a comedy, but i'm glad you like it! ;)

centaur ~ *bows seraph style* thanx for the kind words, even more so from a mod/goddess! let me answer your critique:

> 1 - yes, definitely, repetition was one of the fine lines in writing this. like walking a tightrope between repeating too little or repeating too much. and believe me, after re-reading and tweaking it a dozen or more times, it's tough to maintain balance and perspective. not too close to miss the overall rhythm, yet not too far to miss the details. for the first quote, i'm now tending to agree... perhaps it should be "...slowly unfastened. Silently unbuttoned. Quietly unwrapped from his waist." for the second quote, that was intentional; this is now neo in the moment, no thought, just emotion, so i kept the repetition.

> 2 - "biblical lump of clay" - *smile* wow, yes, "sacred" may work better! i didn't intend it to evoke prayer. but to hint at trinity molding him as god molded man. i see trinity molding his identity throughout the trilogy.

> 3 - the title - ah, well, this is one of those things. the title popped up before the story. unfortunately, it's like a temporary guidepost. i planted it in the direction where i wanted the fic to go. but once i got there, the guidepost became more permanent and the name stuck. i fear replacing the title will only diminish its identity; i may not remember it any better with another title. but i'd love to hear some suggestions! suggestions anyone?

> lastly, i suppose it would take a guy to feel how neo would feel in trin's oral care. i agree. and thanx for the crits, i'll revisit the points above!

mts ~ *again bows seraph style* another mod/goddess! the honor is definitely mine. yes, you pinned it down: "from neo's and a male author's perspective" i felt this was lacking in the adult fics i've seen.

> my thoughts on your qualm - it's not my place to change minds, the best i can do is assure you that the "raging evil image" never crossed my thinking-as-neo perspective, or even in my thinking-as-jayman experience. from my point-of-view, neo floated his hands to her hair to reassure himself that it was in fact happening, and not a dream. it was more a real-vs-illusion issue, rather than a domination-degradation issue. now, i can't speak for all hetero guys, let alone homo guys, but the sexiest part isn't so much being dominated by the female, as much as it is her mouth. the vagina is associated with sex and pleasure and birth. that's expected. but the mouth is associated with everyday social activities from talking to eating to drinking and singing and laughing. and by introducing the everyday female mouth into a non-everyday sexual setting, specifically oral sex, something not usually associated with daily life, that's exciting. stimulating. sexy. but that's just my view.

> as for the title, i have the same reason i gave centaur above.

midnight, fiercedesea, centaur again ~ thanx! i really do appreciate the kind words... as for the "aaah"s, i'm going to have to reluctantly maintain them. while i haven't counted the numbers with myself *blush*, i felt it was the right number for each moment. with such a higher breathing rate, i suspect it's much more than we think.

Jayman...dude...to use a rather archaic exclamation: fuck me (read: whoa!)! A fic entire devoted to the blowjob. Excellent! No, seriously, I don't have much to say except that this took me by complete surprise and you have my ETERNAL respect for pulling it off (hur hur) so well. I've always had it in the back of my mind to write a Neo-receives-oral-sex piece, but I'm simply too much of a pussy and lack the experience (well obviously, I don't have a dick) to do that.

The repetition...I liked it, to be honest. It showed very well the narrowing of his perception when he becomes aware of what's going on, and the general loss of all unnecesary sensation. Your unfinished clauses really worked well for me, as I am a fan of fragmented sentences when writing POV, and this was just very...stylistically secure.

Except maybe the title :/

For real, dude, slap yourself on the back. I'm sure Neo would thank you if he could.

beat ~ *bows seraph style* your rep precedes you. i'm honored. especially one with her own well-deserved fanlisting... thanx for your very kind words.

as for the title, like i say to centaur and mts above, while it may be fruitless, i'm open to suggestions. anyone?

~~~EDIT~~~

ok readers ~ nightbeast was gracious enough to offer the first great suggestions for the RGH (really good head) renaming. as a result of our discussion, i have two good title suggestions so far.

> The Very Thing ~ based on mouse's line "to deny our impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human." it also seems to reflect that this fic was the very thing the goddesses were looking for.

> Really Hard Night ~ based on the beatles' song "a hard day's night" and its fitting lyrics, plus the double meaning of course.

i'm content to keep the original title, but for some others, any preference? or more suggestions?

I vote for The Very Thing

Or

Wake Up

Or

Definitely Trinity

Hahahahaha.

Yeah, I like "The Very Thing," but I also like MTS's suggestion of "Definitely Trinity." Woot. :D

the very thing ~ thanx to all of the goddesses and readers for your suggestions and support!

with your input, i've made the following changes to the title and text:

> "Really Good Head" (RGH) changed to "The Very Thing" (TVT) based on mouse's line "to deny our impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human." it also seems to reflect that this fic was the very thing the goddesses were looking for. (thanx nightbeast for the impetus in getting me to rethink in this direction!)

> "biblical" changed to "sacred" (thanx centaur!)

> "...slowly unfastened. Silently unfastened. Quietly unfastened from his waist." changed to: "...slowly unfastened. Silently unbuttoned. Quietly unwrapped from his waist." (thanx centaur again!)

> as for neo's gasps, i'll be sticking to those as is. (thanx beat for the support!)

goddesses, one more thing... i'd be honored to have this considered as a modest addition to the constructfic.org library.

~~~EDIT~~~

new ending? see bottom of post #1 above.