Left (continued)
Resurrect yourself from the dead and what are you left with? A few years, perhaps. Fate doesn't like to be told she's surmountable. How much time before death catches up with you?
Well, now I've really done it. I'm in the bathroom and I'm standing before the mirror. Trying not to cry, but the tears keep coming anyway. Time doesn't have much meaning any more. I'm pregnant, so any hopes I had of going back into the Matrix anytime soon are gone. This is something I can't have, not because I don't want it, but because it's simply not right.
But it's going to happen anyway. I let my hand wander over my abdomen and I can feel the sobs at the back of my throat, the mixed sadness of loving something fiercely and fearing the consequences of its existence at the same time. But the door swings open suddenly. You can never be sure of your privacy in this place, it's like a dormitory. I snatch my hand away and bring it to my eyes to wipe the tears from my face.
Nala sees me and stops in her tracks. "Sorry, I didn't know you were in here . . . are you okay?"
"Fine," I say quickly.
"What is it?" She comes closer to me.
"I can't say . . ."
And she comes over to me and throws her arms around me anyway. That's nice. She's not in it for the details. She's such a small girl, but she's so strong. I remember a time, after the death of an especially beloved crewmate, when Switch came to me. "I could die from this," I told her. "This could kill me." "You won't die," Switch said. "I won't allow it."
To me, the resistance means resisting death. When I think back on my life on this ship, I think of someone's arms around me, keeping me from drowning.
Tonight I turn in early, go back to the quarters I share with Neo and fall asleep in the bed. I don't wake up until I hear the wheel turn. I hear him step inside.
"Trinity? I've been looking all over for you. You alright?"
"Just tired," I tell him. That's the truth. I rub my eyes and sit up. "What were you and Morpheus talking about?"
He leans against the beam and begins to unlace his boot. "The message from the agent."
I swallow. "What about it?"
"Well, the agent wants to talk to us. More specifically, he wants to talk to me alone. He wants to meet me two days from now. He says he wants to deal with us in return for his protection."
"He must be crazy," I say. "We can't offer him anything. We're going to destroy the Matrix, and that means the machines as well."
Neo looks up. "I'm not thinking of the long-term consequences of a partnership with an agent."
"So you're going to do it?"
"Yes."
I feel like my stomach's just been given a fierce squeeze. "Neo, haven't you thought this through? The whole thing is a set-up! You could get there and forty agents could appear. You might be the One, but you can't handle an entire army of machines."
"Tank says he'll make sure it doesn't happen."
"Neo, I don't care. This is too dangerous."
"Hey." He comes over and sits down on the bed. "This is a step forward for the resistance. A necessary step forward. We need their information in order to start making a big difference in this war."
"You won't know their intentions until it's too late," I say. "Maybe they're just trying to get information out of you. You can't trust a machine, Neo."
"You don't look well." He reaches over to brush the hair out of my face.
"Don't change the subject."
He sighs and gets up from the bed. "I don't know what you want me to do. I was hoping you could come into the Matrix with me to pull this off. I need you."
Shit. Given the latest turn of events, that's not going to happen. "I can't do that."
"Trinity." He kneels in front of me and grabs both of my hands. I imagine the floor must hurt his knees. "I'm here to push you, to get you back into the Matrix again."
I hate myself for not being able to tell him. The fact that I'm not happy about a baby would only disappoint and confuse him. I have to prepare myself more. I have to figure out what I'm feeling, and that's a formidable task. One way or another, I'll accept this child.
But Neo wants an immediate answer. "I won't go into the Matrix with you," I tell him. "I don't believe in what you're doing."
He nods and looks away, gets up and heads for the door. "I'm going to talk to Morpheus. I'll be back later, okay?"
I nod. To him I must seem like an emotional wreck, and that's the most embarrassing thing of all. Perhaps I am an emotional wreck -- it doesn't seem to matter anymore.
The door closes softly behind him, and only then do I let myself cry into the worn sheets and pillows below.
Glen and Diane watched me carefully after I'd taken my leave of absence. It seemed like they expected me to whip out a crack pipe in the living room or start running a prostitution ring out of the basement. I stayed in my room for the next few days and into the weekend. I lived within the confines of my computer. One way or another, I would find Morpheus and convince him to take me away from this.
But just when things felt right, Cecilia came over. Glen and Diane let her come up to my room. For a few minutes she talked incessantly about the highlights of her life, about acting in the play and getting picked to be a varsity cheerleader. Then she said: "I heard you're in trouble."
I ignored her and kept tinkering with the modem.
"That's not all," she continued. "I heard the teachers talking about you."
I looked up. "What?"
She flounced down on the bed. "I overheard Mr. Sapirstein talking to Mrs. Costello in the hallway. He said it was a waste."
They were math teachers. They helped me get into the college classes I wanted. "What's a waste?"
"You. For God's sake, Reese, you're not even going to college. You're not even trying! You blew off the PSAT and then the SAT. You're ruining your life."
I set the modem down. "Who cares? It's my life! So what if I don't want to go to college and live in a dorm and play dumb intramural sports. I just want to be left alone. What's it to you if I ruin my life?"
She was silent for a few moments. "Nothing, I guess. I just thought . . . I figured you'd be successful. You're like a genius or something. If Dad had lived he would have made you go to college. You'd probably have gone to Harvard or something."
"Yeah, well Dad's dead," I replied curtly. "We can't play 'what if?' with my life. It's nothing for you to be concerned about. You can go on to college if you want. I'm not stopping you." I went back to picking at the modem.
It was quiet for a few minutes, but eventually she started speaking again. "You've changed. Just in the last few months. You get a computer and a boyfriend and suddenly you don't care about me or anything else. You're practically a criminal."
"You're right," I said, "and I don't care."
Behind me, I could hear her take a deep breath. "Reese, I'm probably getting adopted. I just wanted you to know that. The Baileys want to adopt me."
I felt a funny sensation inside of me, like I was on an elevator that was falling too fast. "Congratulations."
"Reese, you know you can turn this around. You can get adopted too if you try hard enough."
I shook my head. "It's not a about trying hard. It's about luck, about being at the right place at the right time. Believe me, I know. But I don't want to be adopted. I'm leaving soon."
And I had said too much.
"What?" Cecilia said. She looked up at me. "Where are you going?"
"I don't know," I said, now wanting to back out of what I'd told her. I turned to her. "Just know that I'm okay. Wherever I am, I'm fine."
She got up from the bed. "Oh my God! You're running away?"
"No," I said. I got up to keep her from flipping out. "I'm just leaving."
"How could you do this to me?" She angrily wiped tears out her eyes and grabbed her purse. "I've already lost my parents, now you're running away too?"
I got up. "Jesus, Cecilia, I didn't mean . . ."
"It's because of that boy, isn't it. That Zach Jacobs you told me about. I always see you with him. He's the reason you're doing this."
I nodded.
"Fine," she said, making her way to the door. "You know our parents loved you the best. Dad especially. You did everything right in his eyes, Reese. Well, I wonder what he would say if he could see you now, forgetting everything he taught you. You're not the sister I grew up with. You're a disgrace."
She took a deep breath and continued. "You go away and forget about me, Reese. And I'll forget about you too. And we'll pretend we were never sisters." She left the room and seconds later I heard the front door open and shut. I stood in the doorway of my room.
Reggie poked his head out from around the corner. "I thought she'd stay for dinner."
I shook my head and quietly closed the bedroom door. In a daze, I stared at my computer. I was going to ruin my life, but I didn't care. Without really knowing what I was doing, I was hacking into the IRS again. "I'll do right by you, Dad, and only you and I will know it." My revenge. This time I went deeper into the system, numbers stretching to meet me in every direction. Numbers that stretched forever like fields of corn. And after I wiped out hundreds of records, I turned off the computer and went to sleep.
I hadn't thought of the possibility that the missing files from the Kansas City database would be reason for national concern. I went to school in the morning and the breach of security had made the front page of the Los Angeles Times. Apparently no one had ever done such a thing before. I would have liked to feel some pride over it, but by that time I was long past gloating. Now I was scared.
At school I skulked around the hallways. By second period I was a nervous wreck. And when I heard them page me over the loud speaker, I freaked. I grabbed my things and headed for the nearest exit. I spent the rest of the day hiding, riding the bus in and out of the city and reading the newspapers.
Late in the afternoon I decided to chance going back to Glen and Diane's house. No one was there. I went upstairs to my room to check on everything. My heart stopped when I noticed that my computer was missing. They'd been there. I heard the door open downstairs.
"Reese? Are you home?"
It was Diane. I gathered myself and went downstairs.
"Was someone here today?" I asked her as she stood in the doorway.
"No. Why? I was out all day." She held the baby on one hip.
"No reason," I said and forced a smile. "I'll take the baby."
"Good," Diane replied and handed her to me. "It's your day to watch her. I have to go to work. Glen won't be home until late this evening. Reggie has soccer practice and he's getting a ride home."
Diane went into the kitchen and started making dinner. I played with Susie, watching her giggle and letting her tighten her strong hands around my fingers. I half expected a SWAT team to break down the door any second, or a few FBI agents to show up at the door and take me away in handcuffs.
When Diane left, I put the baby in her crib and went downstairs. The house was empty and quiet, the only noise coming from the traffic on a nearby highway.
The phone rang and I jumped. I picked it up, but before I could say anything the Prophet spoke.
"You did it. I'd congratulate you, but your life is in danger. They're coming for you."
"The feds?" I whispered, my hands shaking.
"No! Not the feds. You've got to get out of there. Morpheus and I are going to set you free tonight. Come to Chinatown. I'll be waiting for you." The line went dead.
I went upstairs to check on the baby. She sat quietly in her crib, her large eyes following me around the room. "You'll be okay, right?" I shook a rattle at she laughed a little. Then I gave it to her. Hopefully she'd amuse herself with that for a while.
I clamored out my window and climbed down the tree. I don't know why. Made me feel safer, I guess.
Time seemed to slow down for me. Things grew hazy, streetlights blurring and glowing in the evening light. I made it to Chinatown and felt like I could pass out from the fumes in the air. I was moving quickly, but everyone else was mired in quicksand and reaching for me, calling me to help them.
I found the Prophet in front of a restaurant on a busy street. This didn't surprise me. "The best place to hide is in the masses," he once told me. "Grab a mob of people and hold on for dear life."
He stepped forward to meet me. "Good, you're here. Morpheus is on his way. Don't worry, it won't be much longer."
"What's going to happen?"
A shrill ring hit the air. I gasped but the Prophet reached for his pocket and took out something that looked like a large telephone. He opened it and spoke. "She's here. No, I haven't seen anything yet."
He listened for a few seconds. "What? I can't hear you. You're breaking up. What? Something where? Dammit," he said and closed the phone.
"What the hell is that thing?" I asked.
"Just a telephone. We haven't really perfected the technology yet. He was trying to tell me something."
"Who?"
"My operator. Listen Trinity, the important thing to remember is not to be scared. I'll be there when you wake up. Things will seem strange at first, but I promise that you'll feel right. Trinity, I want you to know --"
I heard a loud crack. The Prophet surged forward as though someone had kicked his knees out from under him. I think I screamed.
"Dammit!" he cried, and I heard the crack again. This time his shoulder exploded and the bullet went through him and shattered the front window of the restaurant. "Ah, shit, a sniper. I shoulda known. Trinity, you get yourself out of here. Now."
The gun roared again. I looked up, my eyes searching for the shooter. I saw a gun pointing from the window of a warehouse across the street. Now the Prophet was bleeding. His pelvis had been shattered, his knee and shoulder blown out.
He cried out. "They're not going to kill me. Shit, they're going to take me."
"Where?" I whimpered. I hovered over him, my mind screaming at the sight of so much blood.
"They're going to make me talk," he said, his voice brimming with pain. "They're tearing me limb from limb to get me to talk about the resistance."
I'd hardly noticed that people were screaming, fleeing in all directions. Only the Prophet and I were still.
"Unplug me, dammit!" he screamed, but now he was shouting to the sky.
"What do you want me to do?" I cried.
"Christ, why aren't you unplugging me?" Tears rolled down his cheeks. "I'm not strong. I'll talk. They'll make me talk." Then he looked over at me. "Trinity . . ." He reached up to touch my face. "This isn't how the story was supposed to end. I wasn't supposed to burn in the fire."
I sobbed, grabbing his bloody hand and squeezing.
"They're coming down here. You've got to get out. You're the one they want, not me." And then, without saying anything else, he hoisted himself up on his good arm and leg and crawled toward the restaurant window. He painfully climbed to his feet and stood in front of the shattered part, and then he threw himself down on the glass. His neck hit the sharp part of the window and split open. A red curtain passed over the glass where he fell.
I don't remember how I got out of there. In my memory I'm just running down the street, looking at the rust-colored blood on my hands, and I keep running.
Why did I go back to Glen and Diane's house? It seemed like a bad place to go, but I ended up there anyway. I burst through the front door, forgetting to climb back in the window as superstition dictates.
The house was eerily empty but I felt I was being watched. In the bathroom I furiously washed the blood off my hands and tried to wash it out of my clothes.
Then I remembered Susie. It was so quiet. But she was a quiet baby, perhaps she was just sleeping.
I bounded up the stairs and made my way to Susie's room. I couldn't see her in the crib. "Susie," I called. She didn't move. I could make out some small shape hidden in the blankets. I slowly walked over and pulled the blankets away. Susie was there, but her lips were blue, her small hands curled in white fists.
"Oh God, not you," I cried and took her in my arms. Glen and Diane's baby, dead because I hadn't cared enough to keep her alive. Dead because I cared only about myself, about my selfish escape from this life. On the floor I tried to revive her, blowing air into her mouth. Nothing worked. "Oh God." I wept so loudly that I didn't hear anyone come up behind me.
"Trinity."
I gasped and whirled my head around. A dark man in dark clothes stood behind me.
"It's me, Morpheus. Don't be frightened, Trinity." He slowly drew closer. "I've been watching you this entire time. And now I've come to get you out of here."
I was so rattled by that time that I barely had a chance to absorb his appearance, much less his words. I went back to trying to revive the baby, wringing my hands over her small body. "This is all my fault," I wept. "I left her alone and she died."
Morpheus pulled me aside. He slowly took the baby out of my arms and put her back in the crib. "No. You didn't do this. She was strangled."
I felt like my organs had just turned to pulp.
Morpheus gently wrapped the body in an extra blanket. "Trinity, you've been looking for me, day and night for the past few months. But I'm not what you've really been looking for. You've been looking for the answer to a question."
"I want to know about the Matrix," I said quietly. I was shivering all over. "But the baby -- what does the Matrix have to do with the baby? Why would someone strangle a baby?"
"It's all a set up. Everything is a set up. You're being framed for something you did not do. Come now." He reached out and pulled me to my feet. I didn't mind that he touched me; I trusted him intuitively. "You're in shock. I've got to get you out of here."
"This isn't happening. It really isn't happening."
He began to guide me out of the room. "You're right. It isn't. This life is a play, and we all have our respective parts. Sometimes things go bad, and that's when they strike out against us. Parts get mixed up, actors forget their lines, the stagehand loses the props. And once in a great while, when no one expects it, the theater burns."
He pulled me through the dark first floor of the house. "The Prophet," I whispered. "I saw him die."
"He was a brave officer," Morpheus said. That was all he would say when it came to the Prophet. Even in my next life, I was never able to put the pieces together and discover who the Prophet really was.
Morpheus led me to a car that was sitting in the driveway. In the front seat I let my mind spin into emptiness. My eyes dried. I wasn't myself anymore. I was no one, not Trinity or Reese Martindale. I was standing outside of a smarting, bruised body and I was counting the stars. Yes, that's what I was doing. Looking out a car window, counting the stars, understanding that I could never go home again.
"Sometimes these things just happen. It's nothing you did wrong." This is Link, the medic, bending over to speak quietly to me and to check the cut on the corner of my face.
"Is she going to be okay?" Neo whispers, his voice hoarse.
"She's going to be just fine," Link replies. "I've given her a tetanus shot for the cut. And I'm going to put her on an IV anyway. The worst is already over. She'll feel a lot better in a day or two."
"Thank God," Neo says. He's holding my hand. "I've been so worried."
“It’s the immune system,” Link says. “With Matrix born women, it doesn’t always work out. Especially not the first time. Subsequent pregnancies are usually more successful.”
It sounds like Neo might be crying. I can't tell, I'm out of it. Link gave me something to take care of the pain, and now I'm lingering on the border of unconsciousness. I try to tell Neo that I'm sorry, that this is for the best, that I would have made a bad mother anyway, but the words just don't come. I'm too out of it.
It happened early this morning. I woke up and knew something wasn't right. Cramping, such pain. I quietly got out of bed and tried to make it to the bathroom, but I fainted and caught the corner of my head on a metal beam. When I regained consciousness I dragged myself to my feet and went into the bathroom, stripped off my bloody clothes and got into the shower.
I turned on the water and sat on the floor, letting it wash over me. A miscarriage. My baby was dying and I couldn't save it. I was drowning again. Drifting in and out of consciousness, I thought only of how Neo shouldn't know.
I might have gotten away with it but the bleeding didn't stop. Nala found me in the shower and went to fetch Link, and by that time I was wishing that we had a female medic. Then Neo showed up. It was the day he was supposed to talk to the agent. Of course, that is off now.
"Bring your knees to your chest," Link instructed. They covered me with a towel and brought me to the infirmary. I've been here ever since.
It isn't until the next day that I finally feel alright to get up. Link runs some tests on me in the infirmary. "Your iron's low, and your electrolytes are off. I've got some medication that will help that, and you should take a rest for the next few days."
He checks the cut on my head, stripping away the bandage to change the dressing. I still haven't spoken since the ordeal started. But Link is gentle and he doesn't seem to mind.
When he's done he hands me the pills and pats me on the knee. "You okay?"
I nod. "I'm fine."
"Good. Trinity, the important thing to remember is that this happens to a lot of women, a lot of strong, healthy women. It's nothing you did. You can still have a baby if you want. This won't affect your ability to have children."
I nod again and keep my eyes down. This isn't something I want to talk about.
"I'm sorry," he continues. His voice grows fainter. "I don't think you knew my wife, but she spoke highly of you. She was in the resistance for a little while and looked up to you for the things you've done. We all appreciate what you've done for us."
"I didn't know you were married," I say. He looks so young.
"My wife passed away last year. She was Matrix-born and had problems with her health." He shook his head and turned away. "I'm a medic and I couldn't do anything for her. It's a feeling of helplessness, you know? But I made up my mind that I'd work for the resistance for the rest of my life.”
I slowly get up and leave the infirmary. I need to speak to Morpheus. Luckily, he's in his private quarters but he's left the door open. I linger in the threshold. "Can I speak with you?"
He looks up and rises to his feet. "Come in." He closes the door behind me and sits at his desk. I take a seat in the chair he reserves for us. Because he's the captain, his quarters are bigger than our small, closet-like rooms.
"How are you feeling?"
I resent the fact that my health is now a public issue on our ship, but it's hard to keep secrets. "I feel much better today, thank you," I say softly.
"Good. I'm glad. We were quite worried."
I stare at my hands. "There's nothing to worry about anymore."
"If you'd like, I can arrange you to have some time off and recover in Zion."
I shake my head. "If it's okay with you, I'd like to get back to work as soon as possible. And . . . I'd like to start helping Neo in the Matrix. I've been away for too long."
He looks a little surprised. "Okay. But we'll have to wait until you're a little stronger."
"Fine," I say and rise to my feet. "That's all I wanted to talk about."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah." I turn to head for the door.
"Trinity," Morpheus says and rises to his feet. "I'm here if you want to talk about this. I know we don't discuss these things, as they're rather sensitive, but there are programs to help resistance women who want to start families. This is a . . . strange and demanding life, but no one ever said that you couldn't have other things. You’ve worked hard for us. You’ve given us your entire life. I want you to be happy."
It irritates me that everyone assumes I will have another baby. As if it's that simple. As if I planned to get pregnant the first time. "I know," I tell him before I close the door.
I look terrible. In the mirror, my face is pale and drawn. My lips are parched. I have a scar on my forehead now. I don't recognize myself and wonder if I was ever as pretty as people claimed I was.
On the ship, things seem very fine and normal. No one's been treating me differently. Tank is watching the Matrix code and Nala's helping out in the core. She's singing Bob Marley. I like the sound of her voice, and I realize that I haven't heard music in a long time.
She sings. "I know I got a bad reputation, and it isn't just talk talk talk. . . . If I could only give you everything you know I haven't got . . . Do you want me now?"
I watch them from the hallway and they don't know I'm there. The ship is quiet. We haven't had sentinels in a long time. I love these people and I know they love me, and it's the kind of quiet, unspoken love that goes unbidden, and it's pure and sustaining. All I have.
And then there is the other love of my life. I go back to my quarters because I know Neo's waiting for me. And sure enough, he's sprawled out on the bed with his shoes and socks on. It reminds me of his first day in the training programs, when he fell asleep with his shoes on.
"Hey," he says when he sees me. "You're okay?"
"I'm fine." I go over and sit beside him on the bed. He looks more depressed than I've ever seen him. "How're you?"
"Ah, Trinity," he sighs and rubs his forehead. "What's wrong with us?"
"What do you mean?"
He sighs again. "I mean, for the last few weeks I feel like I've hardly seen you. Is it something I've done?"
"No," I whisper, shaking my head. "It's my problem."
"Why don't you share it with me?" Tears jump into his eyes.
Seeing him like that makes me want to cry as well. "I don't want you to have to deal with it. You're better off not knowing."
"No. I'm not happy. Are you happy? I'm dreadfully unhappy. This is a shit life. Being with you is the only decent aspect of this life, and when you keep yourself from me, it deprives me of the only sanity I have, and I know it deprives you of happiness as well." He covers his eyes and sobs silently. Then he removes his hands from his eyes and grabs my hand. "Is that why you didn't tell me you were pregnant?"
I nod. "I was going to tell you, though. But I was just looking for a good time. Neo, I'm so sorry . . ."
He sits up and embraces me. "I should have been there for you. Why didn't you wake me when you were having problems?"
"I don't know," I whisper. So he blames himself and it nearly breaks my heart. I resolve to tell him everything. "I have to tell you a story. About me when I was a girl." I crawl into the bed and get under the covers. Pulling him close to me, I stroke his hairline and start talking. "It's not the sort of story people like to hear. It's not funny or nice."
I start telling him about my life, about Kansas and my mom and my dad and Cecilia and moving to Los Angeles. I tell him everything I remember, about being a math genius and loving the stars, and about being a foster kid and almost starving and going to public school in Los Angeles. I tell him about Glen and Diane, the IRS, and eventually I tell him about the Prophet. Finally I tell him about Susie, and how her death has haunted me all these years.
When I finish, he's crying quietly in my arms. Pausing every now and then to look up at me.
I am stoical. "So you see," I whisper, "I already had to look after a baby, and I fucked up big time. I'm not a mother; I would be dreadful with children."
"That's not true. You haven't even given yourself a chance."
"She's dead because of me. I brought evil into that house."
"No, Trinity. What happened wasn't your fault. Agents killed that baby."
But I left her. I close my eyes.
"What happened after Morpheus found you?"
"He took me to a warehouse on the edge of town. And I took the red pill."
"And you woke up here?"
"Well, technically we were on different ship then. Gabriel Reyes was the captain, Morpheus his second-in-command. But Gabriel Reyes was sort of an extremist, and Zion didn't like his tactics. He wanted to destroy the Matrix and all of its people. So Morpheus became captain of the Neb and took me with him. Gabriel Reyes hadn't really wanted me in the first place. He thought bringing a girl onto a ship with a bunch of boys was a bad idea. There were fewer Matrix-born women in the resistance back then."
"Where is Gabriel Reyes now?"
"He's dead. Within months after the split he contracted meningitis and died. They can't do anything for that here; it's a death sentence. But I always thought that Zion gave him the sickness. They really wanted him dead."
Neo tightens his arms around me. "I didn't tell you everything about my past either," he says. "I said I didn't have any siblings. But I did have a sister. When I was three they found her in a lake near our house. She'd drowned. I never mentioned her to people. I think I might have forgotten her."
We fall asleep that way, our bodies curling around each other. When I wake, Neo's there and he's brought me my meal, just as I brought him something to eat after his first day in the training simulations.
"I'm not taking that meeting with the agent," he tells me. "Not because I think I can't handle it, but because we need more information."
"There are other alternatives," I say. "Working with an agent is not necessary to bringing down the Matrix."
He sits next to me. "No, but working with you is."
And if I've ever doubted his love, it was because of my own insecurities. I don't doubt it anymore.
We go back into the Matrix together, but not to fight. We simply want to be alone, pay respects to the world that created us. The Matrix cannot tell you who you are, but it can give you the words to describe yourself.
"The past is to be embraced then left behind," Morpheus told me once.
Tank plugs us in; when I awake I'm standing near a payphone on a boardwalk. Neo's there. The sky is the bruised shade of early morning. We're wearing clothes that more resemble our ship rags than anything else.
"Where are we?" I ask.
"A beach along the Pacific," Neo says. "It's just a place I've found on one of my many travels."
I strain my eyes to see the ocean. Neo takes his hand in mine and we go to the beach and walk towards the ocean. I can smell the salt in the air. "There's no one here," I say.
"It's early. You should see this place in the middle of the afternoon."
"This is pretty. I forgot about how beautiful the Matrix can be. Our world is so ugly."
Neo squeezes my hand. "There are things I want to talk to you about. Things that are probably better left here."
"Sure."
"Do you want to see your sister again?" he asks.
I shake my head and stare at the tide's white caps. "No. Neo, it's simply a bad idea. I can't free her now. At one point I might have been able to convince her to leave the Matrix, but now . . . no, she's bound to this place."
"You could at least let her know you're doing okay, that you're still alive."
I've thought of this. Does Cecilia have a right to know that I'm okay, that I didn't overdose on drugs and die in an alley?
"Don't be angry," Neo says, "but I had Tank track her down. She lives in Pasadena. Her husband's a lawyer. She’s a pharmacist. They have two kids."
I nudge the sand with my foot. "Then perhaps," I say slowly, "it's better that I leave things that way. Undisturbed. Neo, Cecilia thinks I killed a baby. They all do.” I pause for a minute. “Maybe they're right."
"But you didn't kill a baby."
I shoot him a look. "I was talking about our baby."
He's quiet for a moment. Stunned, perhaps.
"I mean," I continue, "I think it knew me, it knew the things I've done. It knew that it would be better off with someone else as its mother, so it left me. I couldn't keep it alive."
"No, Trinity," Neo says, grabbing me by my upper arms. "It's just one of those things. Nothing you did. You say you didn't want it, but I think you're just lying to yourself, and to me."
I break down crying, covering my mouth with my hand. He draws me closer to him. "I didn't want to lose it," I whisper. "I’d have loved it. It was yours, after all. From now on, I'll tell you everything."
After a while we separate and walk down the beach together. "The Prophet loved you," Neo says. "Did you love him back?"
I shake my head. "No, and I felt awful because of it. He died for me."
“He thought you were the One. Did you think you were?”
“To be honest,” I tell him, “I didn’t really think about it at all. I think Morpheus showed some interest in the idea, but it never really came through for me. By then I figured I was just biding my time, waiting for death. It wasn’t until years later that I realized I was waiting for you.”
Neo looks up at the sky and nods. "I need you more than anything," he tells me. "I've never been so open with someone before."
I try to smile. "We're both sort of socially inadequate."
"Yeah. At least we have each other. But seriously," he says, "I don't think you realize how lost I'd be without you. Like I said before, I don't particularly like this life. I didn't ask to be the One. It's the right thing, but it means sacrifice. It means I'm probably going to lose my life."
We're quiet for a moment; we've both considered this but have never talked about it.
"We've got a lot of fighting to do," I say finally. "And I'm going to get back into it. We have to destroy this world to save the other world and all of its people."
The sky is brightening above us; color is blooming in the ocean. We stay for a while but not too long; we have to get back to the ship after all. “Think they’ll miss us if we stay and get ice cream?” Neo says.
“Yeah. I think they’ll miss us.”
“Damn.” He tosses a rock into the ocean. I reach over and pick up a piece of driftwood. I wonder where it came from, what oceans shaped it. It’s smooth and worn and oddly beautiful. I think I must give Neo everything I have, everything that runs through my mind, but I have to forgive myself too.
We turn to go back to the payphone on the boardwalk so we can exit the Matrix. The world awaits us there, the process of forgetting things, of leaving the past behind.
END
Back to Start >